Don't Check Your Privilege...

Summer is almost here. Naturally, one's thoughts turn to escape from this admirable, yet soon to be sweltering, metropolis for a little vacation. What oh what, is a penthouse dweller to do?

After you’ve packed the kids off to space camp (with their very own, luxurious, personal space pod attached to the ISS), it’s time to think about Mommy and Daddy Dearest.

Gold Truffle Travel will bring you to the most dreamt of places on the planet.

You’ll bask in the sunshine of your very own secluded villa on your very own secluded island in your very own secluded Maldives. There’s plenty to do here, from snorkeling, and parasailing, to having your own baby whale to love and care for. Teach it to swim as you glide along with it in your own private submersible.

We’ll take you to Mongolia where you will go wolf hunting with eagles as your companions... and WEAPONS. Each eagle is hand picked by our expert staff, and is fed the finest rat and squirrel while on the expedition. Have no fear of your dining needs. While your personal eagle may partake of rodent, you shall eat in pampered luxury in a Tiffany tent with all the best marbled beef Mongolia has to offer.

Perhaps hunting is not your style? Or a relaxing vacation in the sun seems... ho-hum? Why not come with us to the END OF THE WORLD? An all expense paid trip to Antarctica! Our most adventurous trip yet features PENGUIN SKIING!

What is penguin skiing? You hold the reins of an entire waddle of penguins. When we blast the fully digitally recorded hi-fidelity sounds of orcas, the penguins take off in fear, and YOU are treated to the ride of your life. A Bentley snowmobile will return you lovingly to your own personal igloo for quiet snuggle time with your very own seal. Afterwards our staff will be more than delighted to turn your seal into a coat for your very own pleasure. What’s most wonderful about this trip is the coat is complimentary, so you can take your seal friend coat along with you, and have a memory to cherish... forever.

Please, have your personal assistant's personal assistant call us today and let us arrange the vacation of a lifetime, or for our most wealthy clientele, the vacation of this summer!

Please note, the Fyre Festival in the Bahamas has experienced certain difficulties. GTT is not responsible for any loss of money or sanity.

- Robert Baumgardner reporting for GTT

Bask in the luxury of...

BRP II

Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m. 

June 16, 17, 23 & 24

The Producer’s Club

358 W 44th St, New York, NY

Tickets: $15

Innies vs Outies

The Great Introvert/Extrovert Debate

By Ima Shyone

Would I - a socially skeptical, self-proclaimed introvert - be willing to participate in a Game Show…are you crazy?

Really?  The prize is a fully funded year alone on a deserted island?  You have no idea how much I need that...if I don’t get space and solitude soon I may have an unobtrusive and quietly painful nervous breakdown...I’m desperate so -

Yes, I will do it!

Please note that I don’t throw around exclamation points every day – and this is completely out of my comfort zone - but in this case I’m all in.  For the record as an introvert, in my way, I’m often all in.  It’s just hard to tell.  It’s not really hostile.

Belly buttoned-up!

Even my bellybutton is an innie.  I wonder if all introverts are innies?  And are all extroverts outies?  Naval introspection aside, I need this year alone on a deserted island.

So I will be a contestant on the game show AVOIDANCE!  If the other introverts on the show can deal with the cruel torture of being exposed to loud buzzers and assorted extrovert exuberance and inappropriate lack of boundaries and general obnoxious in-your-face behavior, so can I. 

Out and proud!

Hold on…my enthusiastic extroverted cousin, Buddy Friendly, just texted me that he is in fact, an outie.  So maybe there is some science behind the bellybutton question…hmmm, a lot of extroverts wear clothes proudly displaying the navel so surveys for research on the subject could be easily available….I will pose it to the powers that be in the inner workings of the trivia world.

By the way, my cousin Buddy Friendly is delighted that I will be on a game show.  He and his 8 year old son Mikey want to attend.  Mikey is still young so he hasn’t completely  perfected the social dictates of congeniality and perhaps he will bloom into a careful and discerning introvert like his Aunt Ima.  One never knows how kids might turn out.  Apparently I was a love bug when I was 2 years old.  So odd.  Well, I will have a close look at Mikey’s bellybutton and see if it is prophetic.

Oh, speaking of 8 year old potential introverts Mikey has just asked his father to text me his thoughts on innes and outies.  (He is very bright – which is why, despite his vivaciousness, there is hope that he could use that energy to think inwardly instead of screaming).

Here is this clever 8 year old assessment of the whole Innie/Introvert vs Outie/Extrovert mystery:

Jokes by Mikey Friendly

How many extroverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

At least a dozen.  One to make the food to celebrate the cool burst of light, two to buy the drinks, and at least nine to make it a party.  Make that fifteen: someone has to actually change the bulb and two to hold the ladder. 

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

You already know the answer:  innies are electrified by doing things on their own.  So yes, one.  Well, maybe two.  One to actually change the bulb, and one to make sure no one is else is going to show up to turn one simple household task into a noisy, crowded, energy-sucking party.

Was Jackie Coogan an introvert?

Why did the extrovert cross the road?

Because there were tons more people and lots more stuff going on, on the other side, and I mean, it’s kind of yucky to just walk along by yourself.

Why did the introvert cross the road?

For sure, dude, trying to escape from the extroverts – they’re everywhere man.

Why did the introvert & the extrovert throw the alarm clock out the window?

I don’t know either. 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Innie.

Innie who?

Innie body know where I can find a quiet little alcove with a lock on the door?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Outie

Outie who?

‘Owdie you expect me to wait here alone for ten minutes?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I’m outie here?

Come meet all our introverted contestants at...
AVOIDANCE

Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m. 

May 19, 20, 26 & 27

The Producer’s Club

358 W 44th St, New York, NY

Tickets: $15

Experiment BIRTE - Good to Go!

SCI-FI-Q Gives Readers

An Inside Look at IRTE-TVs New Programming

New CEO at IRTE-TV Promises Bold New Programming

Jeremy Binderhull, Staff Writer for Sci-Fi-Q

Interviews IRTE-TV CEO Hollander Caul-de-Zak  

      

SFQ Staff file photo.

Science fiction fans respond to news from IRTE-TV with cautious anticipation.

He’s been an enigmatic presence in the regional television broadcasting industry ever since he breathed life back into dying but beloved local tv station, WXRV, thirteen short months ago, reconfiguring it as an analog/cyberspace crossover property for the digital age and renaming its flagship television brand, IRTE-TV.

Get ready to be surprised again, because Rochester’s own Rupert Murdoch is at it… again!

Hollander D. Caul-de-Zak, the brash and eccentric CEO of WXRV, and its most famous outlet, IRTE-TV, has taken a gamble with a bold new programming move. Sci-Fi Q’s award-winning blogger, Jeremy Binderhull, took a few moments the other day to sit down and stick a probe in old Hollander’s brain.

Here’s what we found out...

SFQ: (adjusting settings on recording device) Ah, let me just… Oh, we’re live - uh, we’re recording now, sir.

Caul-de-Zak: (coming at the blogger with a raised palm) I thought you told me you weren’t going to record this first part!

SFQ: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we already finished the - I’m sorry. Here, I can turn it off.

Caul-de-Zak: Oh well! Never mind!

SFQ: What?

Caul-de-Zak: I said Go Ahead! Are you deaf?! (muttering to himself) Or just an idiot!

SFQ: What? Oh. Ok. No, sir. Ok, fine.

Hollander Caul-de-Zak sits silent, stern and stolid, not saying a word.

SFQ: Shall we continue, then? Let’s continue. Ah, I mean, where shall we begin…?

Caul-de-Zak: (twiddling his fingers as if brushing crumbs off his robe) Go ahead…

SFQ: I’m sitting here with relatively new CEO and Chief of Programming at Rochester’s own, and much beloved, WXRV, and their “offspring”, as it were… (coughs slightly) the crown jewel of Lake Ontario South Shore television programming, IRTE-TV. (covering mic and speaking directly to Mr. Caul-de-Zak) Did I say that right? Rhymes with “birdy-teevee”? (whispering) Ok, good. Thank you... Sorry.

SFQ: (clears throat) The buzz on the airwaves is you’re about to shake things up with local original and/or “renewed-retro” programming, specifically in the 5 to 9 p.m. time-slots, Monday through Wednesday, for those customers with satellite dish service or piggybacking off a strong signal from the Canada side of the lake, most likely in the Prince Edward area of the lowest southeastern portion of Ontario. That tends to give the strongest signals to us Rochesterians who like to add variety to our viewing choices… Sorry. Uh, people in the know say this is a gamble that is likely to pay off?

Caul-de-Zak: Well, I’ll tell you what, young man. I’ve been in the industry a long time for around these parts. I’ve learned a thing or two, and I know you can’t win big if you’re not willing to pony up and throw a heaping pile of chips onto the table every once in awhile.

SFQ: Yes, well people in the know are saying -

Caul-de-Zak: I know what people in the know are saying! I am People in the Know! Now let me tell you what we’re up to over here at XIRT-V - that’s what I call it, son. You can’t call it that.

SFQ: Ok, Mr. Caul-de-Zak. Of course, sir.

Caul-de-Zak: Now where was I? (twiddling his fingers again) Oh, yes. About six or seven months ago I was sitting around with my business partners, if you know what I mean, and we were discussing possible next moves for the early evening to prime time slot in our early to mid week extended programming service. And one of the guys was talking about his niece writing a story for a science fiction contest, and - oh, hell! You don’t need to know how the sausage is made! I came up with this great idea for after-school and dinner-time tv watching for our local families and extended programming tv viewers!

SFQ: Great! I’m sure our readers would love to know all about it.

Caul-de-Zak: Alright, well, it’s gonna be great!

SFQ: Great! Sir. I wonder if, perhaps, you might be able - uh, willing to share a bit more detail for our - and your - fans, sir.

Caul-de-Zak: Well, I don’t want to give too much away, but let me just say that we’re giving science fiction fans a whole new reason to tune in on weekday evenings. A whole new reason!

SFQ: Great!

Caul-de-Zak: Let me finish, son. Yes, it IS great! Now I know that nowadays young folks like their entertainment fast and cutting edge - “EXTREME!” I think they call it. People want to feel that what they’re watching is beyond real. Hell, even at the national level the lines between reality and made-up facts is getting blurred. So we’ve gone ahead a retooled many classic science fiction favorites and injected them with new life, literally! (directly to Sci-Fi Q blogger) Now this is where you ask me, “well how are you doing that?” Go ahead, now.

SFQ: Oh, now. That’s now? Ok...So, tell me sir, because I’m sure our readers are dying to know, how are you going to do that?

Caul-de-Zak: I’m glad you asked. We’ve hired a good, sturdy stable of the finest actors in the area - Regional Actors - and we’ve got them performing LIVE in front of a studio audience some of the great science fiction thrillers in motion picture history, and a few as yet unseen. And let me tell you, we’re real excited about this whole deal.

  

Regional Actors in Caul-de-Zak’s WXRV’s IRTE-TV “Experiment”

SFQ: I’ll bet you are! Oh, boy!

Caul-de-Zak: Settle down, kid!

SFQ: Sorry.

Caul-de-Zak: Anyway, as I was saying - and this bears repeating because this is major stuff happening here! We are going to broadcast a LIVE taping of a performance in front of a LIVE audience a series of sci-fi thrillers! Do you understand what I’m saying here?

SFQ: Yes, of course I do, sir!

Caul-de-Zak: This is cutting edge! This is “EXTREME”! Now print that! Or post it, or whatever it is you people do these days.

SFQ: That’s why I’m here, sir.

Caul-de-Zak: That’s why I’M here.

IRTE-TV’s thrilling new sci-fi programming, appropriately entitled The Experiment, will begin with a two-weekend premiere celebration Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m., April 21, 22, 28, and 29.

Watch the creepy trailer here.

Return next week when SFQ Staff Writer, Jeremy Binderhull, brings readers an exclusive super secret look into the clandestine world of “Syracuse Soothsayers,” who claim to hold the missing link between the Star Wars and Star Trek universes.

THE EXPERIMENT

Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m. 

April 21, 22, 28 and 29

The Producer’s Club

358 W 44th St, New York, NY

Tickets: $15

OMG! THE SENSE-ATIONS ARE HERE!

by Rose Isred

Unless you've been living in an underground bunker at the edges of a valley in the Wyoming badlands, you've heard of THE SENSE-ATIONS! Probably by just reading the name of this supergroup, some of their lyrics and tunes are running rampant in your head. Such songs as "We Are Here for You", "Make Your Dreams Come True", and even "Look, Girl, I Hear You Smelled My Tasty Feelings" have made their way into the psyche as prime candidates for the great American song book.

The new album from the SENSE-ATIONS, "To the Rescue"

What super group wouldn't be "sense-ational" that had five members who've been singing and dancing since birth? And now, nurtured and guided by their sensational and (some would say overly) affectionate business manager, Marg, the sky's the limit for these overachieving idols.

But, there's a flip side to these five heartthrobs. They not only pose as super singers, but soar as super heroes as well. When they started their opening number at a concert in Santiago, Chile, Billy Beak stopped the concert because he smelled forest fires in the Blue Ridge Mountains. A quick call to fire fighters limited the damage to only thousands of acres. As they were just beginning a concert at Mattress Firm Stadium in Ballwin, Missouri, Lil Peepers saw poachers taking aim at a herd of elephants in a Kenyan wild life preserve. The concert stopped as the Sense-ations took off in their super sonic private jet to arrest the poachers, but by the time they arrived in Kenya, eleven hours later, the poachers had fled the scene. Where do they get their super senses?

Marg, business manager to the stars!

It has been reported, however, with very questionable sourcing, that as middleschoolers, the SENSE-ATIONS! were brought to a remote Japanese island where the samurai were trained to walk silently through egg shell fields. The island is also home to many cats. This island, known to Americans as "the remotest Japanese island," was home to their superpower guru, Sensei Shin. It is said, he took Patsi Klein of our supergroup, blind folded her, stopped up her ears with wax, stuffed her nose with cotton, and coated her tongue with herring. This forced Patsi to only use her sense of touch to get back home before a dinner of rice and stewed beets. Likewise, the other SENSE-ATIONS! were treated in a similar manner.

Angus, THE roadie

After returning to the states, and having missed all of middle school, the SENSE-ATIONS! were home schooled by their overly caring manager, Marg. Marg would never have been able to get the SENSE-ATIONS! to their current ninth grade reading level without the help of trusty roadie, Angus, who seems to know much more than he lets on. Who else fixes the supersonic jet, or tunes the instruments, or gets the blood stains out of the SENSE-ATIONS! capes?


I have to admit, it is a wonderful feeling to have our singing sweethearts back in our fair Metro City, especially since crime is sky rocketing after Madame Mayor Mayer's new initiative entitled, "The SENSE-ATIONS! Can Take Care of Everything." The entire Metro City police force has been laid off as a result of this new crime fighting initiative. So far, it does seem to be modestly working. Banshee, the SENSE-ATION! with super hearing has heard every broken window and car alarm in Metro City since the new rule has been put into effect. And, Butch Lang, our super singer with the super tongue, has identified over twenty-two restaurants that deserve their B rating.

Our Mayor Mayer

Soldier on, my pop stars, my caped dancers, and sensitive crime fighters. I'll have front row seats to the next SENSE-ATIONS! concert in Metro City's own Dr. Zizmor Arena.

Come see the improvised theatre phenomenon that is 

THE SENSE-ATIONS!

March 17, 18, 24, & 25, 8:00 pm

The Producers Club

358 West 44th Street

New York, NY 10036

Tickets: $15

Conceived by Curt Dixon

Directed by Robert Baumgardner

Starring

Nannette Deasy

Curt Dixon
Brianna Lee

Jamie Maloney

Bill Berg

Evie Aronson

Michael Hauschild

Tara Sargente

With special musical guests 

ReW STaRR (March 17)

Craig Greenberg (March 18)

Eli Bridges (March 24)

Carla Ulbrich (March 25)

Happy Crappy Birthday!

By Jamie Maloney

This week, IRTE will be bringing its interactive birthday party show, Happy Birthday, Stupid Kid!, to the Asheville Fringe Arts Festival in North Carolina. The titular character persists in seeing his 12th Birthday in a relentlessly positive light (even as his family falls apart around him). For many of us in the cast, the show brought back some conflicted memories surrounding our childhood celebrations - the highs,the lows, the excitements, the disappointments.

Jamie Maloney elaborates...

I had birthday parties until I was eleven years old. I'll call them disappointing. The reasons were justifiable if I look at them from an adult's perspective, but at the time I was not happy. 

I lived in a neighborhood which was far from my school and relatively devoid of other kids. It also wasn't the safest area of New York City in the late 70's and early 80's. Add to this, a summer birthday, when people were away on vacation and it's easy to understand the low turnout for my parties. My parents did their best to give me happy celebrations but my social isolation left them and me ignorant of the trends and interests of kids at the time. Sitting in a circle and using teaspoons to pass a tennis ball around may have been fun in their day but the savvy kids of the 80's wanted more. And of course I was at a loss because being the weird kid in class whose living situation was a mystery and who compensated for his awkwardness by acting out didn't earn me many invites to other parties. 

One cool kid came to one party and apparently spread the word because after that my only attendees were children of my mother's friends, kids I had known since infancy and the one cousin I had who was my age until we had a falling out over a Star Wars toy when we were eight. I have old pictures of a line of shirtless boys in our backyard waiting to play another round of "catch the potato" wearing the expressions of a group of convicts before they set out for a day of hard labor, and quite a few more of me pouting in the corner.  

For my eleventh birthday (and final) childhood party, I caught on to the fact that all the kids were having their events at Laces, the local (to my school) rollerskating rink. I invited the entire class, terrified of the humiliation I was certain to endure when surely no one would show up. At the rink, with wheels on my feet and an escape route already planned, my guests started showing up. ALL of them! I was thrilled. They actually like me! I went over to some of the boys from my class to thank them for coming, but they ignored me. Some of the girls did talk to me and let me know that another boy in the class was having his birthday party at exactly the same time and that the girls and a few friendly boys were there for me and the rest were there for him. From anxious to vindicated to humiliated in the span of a minute. I parked myself in front of the Donkey Kong machine in the corner and had to be dragged physically into the back room where the cake and the presents were happening. I was done with birthday celebrations for the rest of my teen years. 

When I was 21, I decided to celebrate my birthday alone. You come into the world alone, so

why not appreciate that? I went to the movies. Alone. And why not? Why not go alone? I felt a bit conspicuous at first but I discovered my solitary viewing preference and in a roundabout way it lead me to understand and embrace my introverted nature. For my 39th I saw the original Planet of the Apes at Film Forum, followed by a showing of The Warriors in Tompkin's Square Park. In Planet of the Apes the date on the console of the ship that Charlton Heston is in at the beginning of the movie shows the date July 14, 1972, the very day I was born. I viewed it as

personal acknowledgement. And as for The Warriors, I arrived at the park about six hours early so I could get a good seat. While I was waiting I watched a little kid roller-skate in circles for about 20 minutes until he was so dizzy he couldn't stand up anymore. Now, as I look back on all those childhood parties I'm grateful for what ended up being the circular the path they put me on. But really mom and dad, potatoes?

​IRTE Presents: Happy Birthday, Stupid Kid! at the Asheville Fringe Arts Festival
THURSDAY, January 26, 2017 @ 7:00pm

SATURDAY, January 28, 2017 @7:00pm

The BeBe Theatre

20 Commerce Street

Asheville, NC 28801 

Tickets $13 

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