Dear Mommy and Daddy... MORE Letters from the Front Line (aka "Camp")

IRTE's latest production, Camp Fitness, opens this Saturday June 6th. Curl up close to the campfire. IRTE's very own Jamie Maloney has more camp letters from his days as an idealistic youth!

Letters from Camp 1984-85
Jamie Maloney

12-13 years old
(Errors preserved)



Dear Momy and Daddy,
It has rained for two days and we are making rockets. The other day a kid wrote on the outside of our bunk and had to paint it over. We got into a water fight yesterday with another bunk. I got the money you sent and I want you to send me some candy. How are the cats? Don’t forget the 9 volt batteries for my game. We saw some dumb movies, war games and the outsiders. Don’t forget the batteries and candy.


Love Jamie


P.S. Say hello to Papa and grandma when they come back.



Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Ireally don’t need to use my suntan lotion. I don’t have much to say but I’m writing this letter because I’m bored. Just send about 10 dollars and some candy and gum and a game magazine or some thing like that.


Love Jamie


Dear Mommy and Daddy,

Yesterday I went down the waterfall. I didn’t get hurt. Today I got a big cut on my foot.We went to Beltzville a beach kind of thing. I got the batteries and gum. There is nothing left in the care package but I still got the 4 packs of gum you sent thanks.


Love Jamie



Dear Mommy and Daddy


I got the candy and am sharing it. I built a rocket and will launch it soon. We had 4th of July fire works. Today someone pushed me in

the lake and I got a big hole in my tonge after I bit it. Tell me when Papa and grandma come back so I can write to them. We have this big brother thing where you get a big pal or little pal. I got a big pal. his name is Mark, he works in the kitchen. It has been raining since Friday.


Love Jamie



I got the card and presents you sent me. Today was olympic day but it got rained out. Papa sent me zabars cookies.


Love Jamie


Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I need stamps. I got the magazines you sent. I

 read one of the Mads but thats ok. Thanks for the presents. I really like the stickers. Those magazines are really neat. This kid in our bunk takes everybodys stuff without asking. He takes my football game when I dont want him to. And when I tell him not to play it he does anyway.


Love Jamie




Dear Mommy and Daddy,


I don’t have much to say but I have to write.


Love Jamie

Ready for more summer fun..?

Then come see IRTE in

CAMP FITNESS

 

Saturdays, June 6, 13 & 20, 8:00 pm
at The Producer's Club
358 W 44th St, NYC
between 8th & 9th Ave.

Tickets: $12.00

Dear Mommy and Daddy... Letters from the Front Line (aka "Camp")

IRTE's latest production, Camp Fitness, opens June 6, 2015. Let's all gather around the campfire, as IRTE's very own Jamie Maloney pulls out the ol' mail bag from his days as a bright eyed camper!

Letters from Camp 1984-85
Jamie Maloney

12-13 years old
(Errors preserved)

1st day 1984

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

The bus trip was so long, I was bored out of my head. About half way we stopped and piced up some more people from New Jersey. I had to change my seat and finally sat next to someone. He had this piano thing and let me use it. When we got to camp I went into a building where they told us what bunk we’re in, Im in I-5. There are 5 other kids in my bunk they are strange.Please send me some money, about 5$. I also want some candy and gum. I don’t miss you.


Jamie

 
2nd day June 27

Dear Mommy and Daddy

Today was all right, we played softball went swimming played soccer, volleyball. The sore on my arm from the shot is getting worse and if I move my arm it hurts. There is a red spot there and it is a big lump. I hate this place, it is so boring we only do regular stuff. I want to go home, come and get me. The kids here are stupid. I told you it will be like all the other camps. If you don’t take me home send me some change for the soda machine. But bring me home.

Love

Jamie

P.S. I want to go home real bad and I know your going to say that later on I’ll like it but I won’t. Were not doing any good stuff, just all the regular stuff like any other camp. I told you I didn’t want to go. My arm gets worse every day and it hurts. Please come and get me. This place is so boring

I want to go home
Jamie

 

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

My last letter was a trick and don’t take it seriously. To Day I went on a jet ski and a water sled, Last night we had a water fight with the bunk next door, Please send some gum, perticularly Big League Chew. Everyone in my bunk is playing my foot ball game and the batteries are almost dead so send me some 9 volt batteries.
Love Jamie
sorry about
the trick

PS. we went on go carts and they call me kamakazie. 

Ready for more summer fun..?

Then come see IRTE in

 

CAMP FITNESS

Saturdays, June 6, 13 & 20, 8:00 pm
at The Producer's Club
358 W 44th St, NYC
between 8th & 9th Ave.

Tickets: $12.00

Dear Aggy: Upper Eastside Headmaster Wants to Deny Neighbors’ Kid Admission to “It” Pre-School

By Aggy Quincy Adams

 

Every week, Aggy Quincy Adams answers New Yorkers’ burning questions in her provocative “Dear Aggy” advice column. She has read every edition of “The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette” since it first went into print in 1952. Aggy’s raw, unfiltered advice makes her the moral compass of New York.

_____________________________________________

An Upper Eastside woman wants to keep her social circle free of status climbing riffraff—and their offspring.  

_____________________________________________

 Dear Aggy: I am the headmaster at a prestigious pre-school for Ivy League bound 4 year olds. My obnoxious new money neighbors desperately would like their 3 year old to attend in the fall. Even though I know first hand that young Bartholomew shows Ivy potential, this family is persona non grata in my social group. They are relentless social climbers with gross, ostentatious displays of wealth like Louis Vuitton suitcases. I don't want to be the one responsible for validating this family and affirming their deluded ambition to be well regarded within our group by admitting their son into my academy.

— Upper Crust Gatekeeper on the UES

Dear Upper Crust: You poor darling! It's completely unfair that your relentless neighbors have put you in this position. But, it’s a good thing you came to me because I have a great idea. Set up a scholarship for underprivileged students, and announce your neighbors’ young preschooler as the inaugural beneficiary. This will accomplish two things: You will be reaffirming that family's status as the underclass nouveau riche that they truly are, and you'll be doing a great thing for charity. I am sure you know the importance of contributing to charitable causes. It’s a win-win. And if they refuse your generous offer, they are truly tasteless. Godspeed!

_____________________________________________

Dear Aggy: I am so excited because I have finally booked the perfect venue for my June wedding—the Brooklyn Botanic Garden! As a native Brooklynite, I am so proud that my special day will happen in the borough I have called home my entire life. But of course, there’s a problem!

My uncle owns a catering hall in Sheepshead Bay and insists on hosting our reception there as his wedding gift to us. However, this will make for quite a trek for my guests after the ceremony. My fiancé is from rural Ohio, and our wedding will be the first time in New York City for many of his family members traveling in for the wedding. I had this bright idea to buy Metrocards for all 100 guests but my maid of honor called that idea “tacky.” I really think the reception ought to be closer to the ceremony venue. Right around the time that my uncle gifted us with the use of his catering hall for our reception, I found this amazing art deco reception hall around the corner from the ceremony venue that is still available the day of my wedding…if I don’t miss the deposit deadline.

Aggy, I absolutely cannot say no to my uncle—he’s already started working on menu ideas and hiring additional staff, and it would just break his heart if I refused his kind offer. But after all, this is my wedding and shouldn’t I be able to truly have the wedding of my dreams?

— Torn in Bensonhurst

Dear Torn: I have an awesome idea, and frankly, I am surprised you weren’t able to see this obvious solution on your own. Take the money that you’re not spending on renting a reception hall and properly “thank” your uncle by offering to pay for renovations at his catering hall (I am sure he’s owned it for many years and it is probably overdue for a facelift anyway). And make sure you insist that the hall’s new look be in the art deco style. This way, you keep your uncle happy and you get to have that art deco style venue that you so deeply desire. And if he refuses your kind offer, then he is a hypocrite and you should disinvite him from the wedding.

As for your wedding guests who will have to sojourn down to Sheepshead Bay, your friend was right—sending your wedding guests on the subway is trés gauche. I have a better idea. Gift your guests with pre-paid American Express gift cards enclosed with a note instructing them to use it for an Uber X down to your uncle’s catering hall. That’s class. Cheers!

 

Looking for MORE great advice..?

Come see IRTE in

 

LATE NIGHT NEWS

Saturdays, May 2, 9 & 16, 8:00 pm
at The Producer's Club
358 W 44th St, NYC
between 8th & 9th Ave.

Tickets: $12.00

 

Dear Aggy: Double-Life of a Bagel Lover in Inwood

By Aggy Quincy Adams

Every week, Aggy Quincy Adams answers New Yorkers’ burning questions in her provocative “Dear Aggy” advice column. She has read every edition of “The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette” since it first went into print in 1952. Aggy’s raw, unfiltered advice makes her the moral compass of New York.

_____________________________________________

 

 

An Inwood woman abandons longtime bagel spot in favor of more hygienic pastures.

 

_____________________________________________

 

Dear Aggy: You are my only hope in this. There are two bodegas on the same block in my neighborhood, one of which I live above in my building. Naturally, I always patronize the bodega a few stories below me in my building owned by a sweet older gentleman we will call Mr. Sosa. He’s a super sweet guy, and I have known him and his daughter in passing over the last two years. One day, I saw Mr. Sosa sneeze and then handle my regular toasted bagel with cream cheese order with his bare, unwashed, not hand-sanitized hands. Aggy, I was totally grossed out!

Mr. Sosa is such a nice, grandfatherly man but after that gross encounter, I began going to the bodega across the street. I wake up an hour and a half earlier just to spare Mr. Sosa the pain of seeing me go to the bodega across the street. I feel like a prisoner in my own neighborhood. How can I fix this?

- Feeling Guilty in Inwood

Dear Guilty: I will tell you the proper etiquette in this situation. Go to Papyrus, select some delightful stationary and slip under the door of the bodega early in the morning, before the store opens. In the letter, sincerely explain why you're a Sosa Bodega defector. I think he'll appreciate the timeless thoughtfulness of this gesture. People simply don’t write handwritten letters like they used to. All the best!

 ____________________________________________________________

Dear Aggy: I got a really great deal on Groupon for salsa lesson package at a studio in Chelsea. I was very excited because the lead instructor has worked with cast members of Dancing With the Stars, plus the studio is close to my job, so I can attend classes conveniently after work.

At my first session, I was very excited to see that the illustrious lead instructor and namesake of the studio would actually be the one teaching my class. Wow! The class started off great—he made salsa seem simple and broke down the basics in a way that I could understand. However, about halfway through the class, I noticed a rancid smell. It wasn’t until the instructor called upon me as a lady “volunteer” to help him demonstrate a new move that I realized the origin of that incredibly putrid stench. It was the instructor!

I figured his awful body odor was just a one-time thing but four sessions deep, things have not improved. In fact, they have only gotten worst. His body odor permeates not only the studio room, but the entire floor. I could even smell his stench when I was at the water fountain down the corridor.

Now I understand why I got such a great deal—this guy stinks! I don’t want to leave the class because he’s really an awesome teacher, and I don’t want to lose out of this great lesson package deal that I’ve already paid for. But if I don’t do something soon, I’m afraid I’ll choke on the air in the room.

- Deal Gone Rancid in Chelsea

Dear Deal: As a descendant of President John Quincy Adams, I must emphasize how it is important to be discreet in situations like this. Have you tried asking him to open a window in the studio? Or turn up the air conditioner? Have you shown your appreciation with a shiny new gift basket of soaps and body washes from Bath & Body Works? If none of those things work, you should purchase a medical facemask and wear that to class. If anyone questions why you’re wearing it, simply tell them that your immune system is vulnerable and can be easily compromised by foreign agents. No one will question that explanation. Have a great day!

 

Looking for MORE great advice..?

Come see IRTE in

 

LATE NIGHT NEWS

Saturdays, May 2, 9 & 16, 8:00 pm
at The Producer's Club
358 W 44th St, NYC
between 8th & 9th Ave.

Tickets: $12.00