By Natalie Hunter
“Death is a fickle friend,” Edgar Allen Poe once likely said at some point. But what if you weren’t friends with the recently deceased? What if you weren’t even distantly related to them, loosely friendly coworkers or neighbors who exchange half-hearted pleasantries while unlocking your front door? What happens when you find yourself at the funeral of the aunt of the guy you just started seeing or your mom’s coworker’s sister? You might feel awkward at first, but if you follow these steps, you’ll feel as at ease as someone who didn’t just lose someone close to you because, well, you didn’t.
1. Never say your name
If you don’t reveal your identity, people won’t know how well you didn’t know the recently deceased. If anyone asks, it’s best to respond, “That stays between me and the guy in the coffin/urn.” This implies a forbidden secret and gives you a reason for me there.
2. Bring snacks
It’s a given that someone has thought of bringing extra tissues. But no one thinks of snacks. And even if they do, it’s those crusty funeral home cookies. People count for plenty of emotions at funerals like grief and sadness but rarely do they anticipate the hanger. When the mother of the deceased spirals into a hangry rage upon finding out she’s been cut out of the will, you’ll be there to save the day with a bag of cheese-itz in hand. And then no one will question why you even showed up in the first place.
3. Present yourself as a very serious business person
If there’s one thing anyone knows about business people, it’s that they’re always stepping out to take a call. Whenever there’s a lull in the conversation or things get too emotional. You can give that self-important finger raise and say, “I have to take this,” while making your escape. As a business person, you can pull this move at least 5 times. Whether people believe you should be there or not, at least they think you’re important.
4. Hug everyone
If you’re not really one for physical contact, you might just have to push that discomfort to the side, because hugs are a winning move at funerals. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on and some extra compassion — even they don’t realize it. Hug absolutely everyone. If you’re physically attached to another body through embrace, they can’t throw you out of the funeral for not being relevant enough.
5. Just exist
Grief is a difficult emotion to be around. There is no need to take on extra stress by worrying about not belonging. Truthfully, no matter how close you are to the deceased, everyone knows the sadness of loss and can connect on that level. Every life deserves to be honored, so there is no need for further justification. Be present. Be there for those who need you. And please, for the love of god, ignore steps 1-4.
Wow, that got really deep! The emotional range of this guide has surely prepared you to see The Lonely Death of L. Harris presented by IRTE.
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