An open letter from L. Harris

To Whom it May Concern:

I know you might be finding me one day, alone and deceased in this Apt 19D so I wanted to explain a few things…..

I’ve lived here for so long, I don’t even remember how it got to this state of disarray.

When I first moved in, it was totally empty and filled with possibilities.

I really tried to keep up with housekeeping but as you can see, did not do well with that.

I have a hard time throwing anything away.  What if I need a box that size to store something in the future -or if I need to send a package to someone?  So I just stacked everything up in piles.

The piles look neat to me - and I know where everything is - but to someone from the outside it just looks like a mess.

This is why I never invited anyone over for dinner or just to hang out - I mean years ago when I was more social.

I was embarrassed to have anyone else see it.

But I know that some day I will be gone, and none of this stuff will matter.

Not the newspapers, the magazines, the boxes, the empty coffee cans, the souvenirs from Coney Island, the mug with the broken handle, the calendars that I couldn’t bear to part with because what if I needed to remember when my last dentist appointment was?

I never really got the knack of digital calendars so I just kept with the regular ones.

I did get used to online shopping but that just caused more problems. When the packages came and the product wasn’t what I expected, I never returned it I just saved it in the pile thinking well maybe one day I would find use for it.

Probably I inherited these traits from my parents because they were very nostalgic about things and kept every letter they ever received, every greeting card, every gift they gave each other too.

I was watching a show about some Royal funeral procession and everything was so ornate and there were thousands of people attending the funeral in a huge church.

It got me thinking about when I go - say I die alone in this apartment….. Who will miss me? How long will it be before someone finds me?  At that point it won’t matter to me because I’ll be gone.

As they look through the apartment they will find all the material items, but won’t know what each of them meant to me at some point in my life - what sentimental value they have.

One thing I do hope is that maybe the pigeons who always fly around outside my window will know when I pass…. And they will gather on the windowsill one time in a solemn memorial to me.  Then they will fly away and look for another apartment windowsill where someone leaves the stale bread for them, and maybe become a friend to someone lonely.

Sincerely,

L. Harris

Apt. 19D

Fridays and Saturdays. 

Remaining shows

February 24, 25, March 3, 4, 10 & 11

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 9th & 10th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets

From the Forgotten Blog of Dylan Hoover

Like, greetings to anyone that might be reading this.

This is Dylan Hoover, and I’m stoked to have found a spot that still has a working phone line so I can dialup on something Dr. Truman is calling a "modem" and send an "electronic mail" letter to the universe.

Life has been pretty tough since you know, the apocalypse, but I’m making it work. I don’t know who else is even like, alive, other than my mom and our neighbors the Trumans. The Trumans are rad, but especially Skyler. We’re like, totally meant to be and I can’t imagine the end of civilization without her.

Skyler, my Dream Girl

Skyler's little sis

She has this weird sister though who like, totally freaks me out. I’m always nice to her to her face though, because that’s the kind of guy I am. But it’s like… she has some sort of power or something and everyone is always acting real careful around her. She’s not like any other girl I’ve met, but like, not in a good way I guess? Sometimes she goes a little crazy but luckily there’s this rocker dude who can calm her down by playing music. The Trumans keep him as a prisoner but it seems to work for him. Sometimes they give him food if they find rodents to cook.

Andie's chill pill

Mom and me

He’s like her version of taking a chill pill or something; I don’t really get it. But I guess I’m glad they’re all there though. Sometimes they have other food that my mom and I can get in on, or take when they’re not looking. There’s a way into their basement that we found, which is good for us but like, totally dumb of them to not have good security during a robot war apocalypse. Like, get with it.

Last week I found a can of tomato paste down there and brought it to Skyler as a present. We opened it and ate it together by the light of the fire down by the highway that’s been burning for months now. She’s totally into me. 

I spend the rest of my time working out and getting strong. I know Skyler likes it, and I guess it’s good for fighting the robots if there’s a Robot War 2. Or at least I can like, protect us and keep us alive now. If I’m the only guy around I might as well be the hottest guy around too.

Dr. and Mrs. T

This modem is making a weird sound– I think it’s gonna disconnect in a sec. I don’t know if I’ll get back here, but if you want you can IM me at DHbball69. Later.

Did Dylan survive..?

Find out at...

Fridays and Saturdays. 

Remaining shows

November 18, 19, December 2 and 3, 2022

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 9th & 10th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets

From the Personal and Very Private Diary of Ronnie Clucker

 

Ronnie is very excited to attend her first party. 

Ever.

Come meet all the Cluckers and Tuckers at...

Fridays and Saturdays

February 11, 12, 18, 19, 25 & 26, 2022

March 4 & 5, 2022
8:00pm-9:30pm
Tickets $20 Online / $25 Cash Only at the Door
​
MONDAY FEBRUARY 14, 2022 - SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY SHOW!
Tickets $30 Online / $40 Cash Only at the Door

The Producers Club

358 West 44th Street

Between 8th and 9th Avenue

New York, NY

​

www.irteinfo.com

From the Diary of Midge Murphy, Concerned Social Worker...

Dear Diary,

I am concerned about Ernestine, as any competent social worker, like myself, would be. Ernestine McCluskey, my neighbor and someone I happen to have an open case file on, is worrisome. 

She hasn’t gotten dressed in a long time. Maybe for the past two years she has been in that same nightgown. Amazingly it is not a ratty, torn up old rag. Remarkably she doesn’t smell, in fact, she has a faint scent of lavender. That time I spent hovering under my covers in Brad’s old T shirt for weeks on end I started to smell, like an over ripe puddle of sad.

Maybe she changes her nightgown often, or has many in the same exact style. That must be it. And she does not comb her hair. Well, neither do I, really. I just let it air dry when I do wash it then I try to pin it into some semblance of order with bobby pins. Luckily, I wear a hat.

Nothing about Ernestine’s life seems to be in order. Her youngest child has disappeared. That child had been oddly upbeat all the time and truly believed that the father, James McCluskey Sr. was away at sleep away camp. No the father has been in prison.

Oh what a sad way for a couple to separate. Not as sad as how my husband, Brad separated from me. One night, Brad comes into our kitchen just as I got the potatoes mashed up in the most perfect way - with butter and a bit of milk - just perfect. In he bursts, talking a mile a minute, opening drawers, cabinets and then rustling around in the open junk drawer, still blabbing away about not being happy. More complaints about not being able to find the GD extra car key then suddenly he waves the GD key in front of my face and says “That’s it, Midge, I am leaving you.” And he stormed out. There I was, holding the potatoes masher and all I could say was “but dinner is ready.”

Oh My God. The nerve. I mean, butter and milk - just perfect. For him. 

Oh such an underhanded move. Oh… What… a… the nerve.

Oh Diary, oh crap. Focus Midge…

So back to the McCluskey’s and their angst. Their other wild child Tiffani Diamond, is 14 years old going on 32. She smokes. She does. I can smell her cigarettes when I peek over the hedge. Smoking. Soon she’ll be smoking marijuana. Then heroin.

And she seems to love alcohol too. I don’t think Ernestine has any control over Tiffani. Or if Ernestine even cares anymore. As a mother, that scares me. I know my daughter Megan idolizes Tiffani. So I am making sure that Megan has a strict curfew for the rest of her life. I never should have let Megan attend the sleep over. Who knows what crazy ideas those kids fed her? I bet they drank.

And that weird clown lady always seems to always be around. She flirts with James Senior so openly, at least when I was looking through the fence. I wonder if she knows the he and I had a wild flirtation over my mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving.

Oh Diary, I am distracted by a man. A man dressed in orange, the color of fall. Which might be what I am doing… Falling. Or failing? As a friend and a social worker… Oy.

Okay Dear Diary to clear my mood here’s a joke I thought up for the open mic I will attend: What do you get when you cross a nightgown with a microphone? Ernestine McCluskey doing stand up! Hee hee!

Dear Diary, it is so good to laugh. It helps.

Sincerely,

Midge Murphy

Should Midge worry? 

Come find out at...

Fridays and Saturdays. 

Remaining shows

November 5, 6,12 & 13

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 9th & 10th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

www.irteinfo.com

Finding the Perfect Diner

Hot Tips from Natalie, the Travel Hunter! 

It's always fun to dine on the edge...

Tickets: $18 on-line, $20 at the door

From the Diary of Meghan Murphy...

Make sure you're all packed for Jamie's slumber party!

...but maybe leave your diary at home...

GO TO SLEEP, STUPID KIDS!

May 31, June 1, 7 & 8, 8:00 pm

 The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

between 9th and 10th Avenue

New York, NY

 Tickets: $15 on-line, $17 at the door

Danger-Free Family Vacation Spots!

Hot Tips from Natalie, the Travel Hunter! 

Have you been wanting to take your family on vacation but are afraid to leave your small, safe hometown? It’s completely understandable for you to have these feelings. The world has become a scary place. Ships are sinking, bachelorette parties are getting out of hand and the evil clowns from Halloween of 2016 are making a comeback. However, these fun vacations spots are 99.9% free of danger.

Orlando, Florida

Ah, the home of good ole Mickey Mouse. What could possibly go wrong in the happiest place on Earth? There’s something here for the whole family. Children can meet their favorite Disney and movie characters at a wide array of amusement parks. Once your family is tired from a day at the theme park, hit up a local beach for some fun in the sun. How blissful! Of course, if little Timmy doesn’t fall out of a roller coaster or a shark doesn’t eat your entire family. Just in case, remove the heads of every mascot to check for evil clowns in disguise!

 

Washington, DC

What a fun and educational experience for the whole family! Take a journey to the past by wandering through the Smithsonian Museum. Catch a tour to witness the most important monuments in our country’s history like the capitol and Lincoln Memorial. What are the odds that the Washington Memorial will collapse and crush your entire family? It’s very unlikely that there are evil clowns lurking in the White House.

London, England

Since America has become such an unsafe place, fleeing the country is probably your best bet. England is a great European country to visit simply because British accents are so delightful. You can ride the London Eye, have high tea, and see a show at the Globe all in the same day. You can even use Big Ben to keep track of time. If you’re lucky, you can catch the Changing of the Guard at the Buckingham Palace.  There is such a slim chance that Prince Harry is actually an evil clown who will hold your family hostage in his palace.

One last and best family friendly spot is IRTE’s production of Evil Clowns Have Feelings, Too where there will definitely be no evil clowns or danger. Catch it at the Producers Club on May 3^rd, 4^th, 10^th, and 11^th at 8PM.

Tix and info: https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets/Evil-Clowns-Have-Feelings-Too-p129993833