MacGuffin Goes Missing Causing Widespread Panic Across Town

By Bonnie Browne

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a train? We’re not entirely positive at the Wrightman Gazette. All we do know is that it is a valuable object and it has gone missing. Credible sources have disclosed that this MacGuffin was last seen at the Bates Motel on Saturday evening, hours before the Gala for Ensnared and Impoverished Horses. 

Detective Hank Hankerstein’s list of suspects

This morning we spoke with the owner’s son. We requested to speak with the mother, but Mr. Norman Bates claimed she was too “terribly disturbed by the tragedy to come down from her room.” What Bates did tell us, however, is that the only guest staying there at the time was a “beautiful blonde” who has since vanished.

So many mysterious blondes in this lineup - which one could it be?

Detective Hank Hankerstein told us that not much is known about the object other than the fact that it is of “utmost valuable” and whoever took it should come under “immediate and inscrutable suspicion.”  Head of Intelligence Chris Crossley also told us that while the mystery blonde seems like the most obvious suspect, he has not eliminated anyone as a suspect and that “absolutely everyone is under suspicion.”

This case could get deadly!

Police are currently interviewing everyone who attended the gala including wealthy widow Lucille Porter, secretary Ethel Glycol, banker Ernest Thomson and Chief Psychoanalyst at the Institute for the Mentally Ambiguous Dr. Grace Eisenfrost. Some staff working at the gala are also under investigation including Elizabeth Graham.

The gala was full of drama - but the events after the gala are turning out to be even more of a mystery!

Anyone who has any tips on what this valuable object or who may have took it, is encouraged to phone Bonnie Browne, junior reporter at the Wrightman Gazette.

Natalie Hunter contributed reporting.

Top tips for arranging your work from home setup 

By Natalie Hunter

 

The year is 2020. You didn’t think it’d come to this. You thought surely your micromanager boss who constantly breathes down your neck would rather wear ten masks then let you work from home. And he probably would, but it’s out of his hands now. Dr. Fauci and Andrew “Lov Gov” Cuomo have said your office is unsafe and you’ll be working from home for an indefinite amount of time. No awkward water cooler chatter or having to pick out the bottom half of your outfit? You could get used to this. But your coffee table and an egg chair isn’t going to cut it as a workspace. Here’s how to turn your living/eating/sleeping space into your work space as well. 

 

Ultimate appearance enhancer

Now that you’ll be doing all of your communication through Zoom, you’ll want to look your best. Filters are a dangerous game because with one slip of the finger, you could turn yourself into a fish rather than enhancing your features. Instead, invest in a ring light. Since they’re all the rage, they may be hard to get your hands on for some time. In the meantime, order a donut from Dunkin Donuts on Grubhub and attach a flashlight.

 

Key to a healthy lifestyle

Working from home means less walking from the subway or parking lot to your office. That’s ok. Now you can do two of life’s most pleasurable activities at the same time — working and working out. That’s right. With an under-the-desk treadmill, you can now squeeze in a brisk jog while typing out expense reports. No one will ever notice how winded you sound while taking phone calls and they certainly won’t think you’re up to anything inappropriate. For the overachievers, you can take your desk side fitness to the next level by investing in a human hamster wheel.

Source of Nutrition

One aspect of the office you may find yourself missing is the vending machine. Fear not! You can recreate the glorious sensation of watching your favorite snack be dispensed to you. Get yourself and automatic cat feeder for your at-home desk. You can set it up to release chips, jellybeans or whatever your favorite treat is on the hour and one will be there to watch you shamefully shove your face in it. Plus, you won’t need to get up and decrease productivity! Yay!

 

Pet-friendly set-up

Your cat may be upset that you snagged its automatic feeder. That’s ok. You can make up for it. Once you start doing 5 zoom calls a day, your cat will realize that pulling focus by meowing, crawling across the keyboard and “accidentally” hitting the unmute button during these calls will be the best way to be disruptive. So why not embrace it? Get your cat a pedestal so it can be the center of attention during every zoom call. Maybe your boss will be distracted by the cuteness of your cat and forget about that presentation that was due?

Congrats! Your at-home cubicle is ready to go! How long will you be here for? Who knows? So get comfy!

So helpful, right?! These gems of wisdom must surely have prepared you for IRTE's REMOTE!

Fridays and Saturdays 

November 8, 9, 15, 16, 22 & 23

December 6 & 7, 2024

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 9th & 10th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets

How to Attend the Funeral of Someone You Don’t Really Know

By Natalie Hunter

“Death is a fickle friend,” Edgar Allen Poe once likely said at some point. But what if you weren’t friends with the recently deceased? What if you weren’t even distantly related to them, loosely friendly coworkers or neighbors who exchange half-hearted pleasantries while unlocking your front door? What happens when you find yourself at the funeral of the aunt of the guy you just started seeing or your mom’s coworker’s sister? You might feel awkward at first, but if you follow these steps, you’ll feel as at ease as someone who didn’t just lose someone close to you because, well, you didn’t.

1. Never say your name

If you don’t reveal your identity, people won’t know how well you didn’t know the recently deceased. If anyone asks, it’s best to respond, “That stays between me and the guy in the coffin/urn.” This implies a forbidden secret and gives you a reason for me there.

2. Bring snacks

It’s a given that someone has thought of bringing extra tissues. But no one thinks of snacks. And even if they do, it’s those crusty  funeral home cookies. People count for plenty of emotions at funerals like grief and sadness but rarely do they anticipate the hanger. When the mother of the deceased spirals into a hangry rage upon finding out she’s been cut out of the will, you’ll be there to save the day with a bag of cheese-itz in hand. And then no one will question why you even showed up in the first place.

3. Present yourself as a very serious business person

If there’s one thing anyone knows about business people, it’s that they’re always stepping out to take a call. Whenever there’s a lull in the conversation or things get too emotional. You can give that self-important finger raise and say, “I have to take this,” while making your escape. As a business person, you can pull this move at least 5 times. Whether people believe you should be there or not, at least they think you’re important.

4. Hug everyone

If you’re not really one for physical contact, you might just have to push that discomfort to the side, because hugs are a winning move at funerals. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on and some extra compassion — even they don’t realize it. Hug absolutely everyone. If you’re physically attached to another body through embrace, they can’t throw you out of the funeral for not being relevant enough.

5. Just exist

Grief is a difficult emotion to be around. There is no need to take on extra stress by worrying about not belonging. Truthfully, no matter how close you are to the deceased, everyone knows the sadness of loss and can connect on that level. Every life deserves to be honored, so there is no need for further justification. Be present. Be there for those who need you. And please, for the love of god, ignore steps 1-4.

Wow, that got really deep! The emotional range of this guide has surely prepared you to see The Lonely Death of L. Harris presented by IRTE.

IRTE and Squeaky Wheel Theatre Group Present:

THE LONELY DEATH OF L. HARRIS

Thursday, June 6, 2024, 10-11pm &

Saturday, June 8, 2024, 7-8pm

Squeaky Wheel Fringe Festival

The Cook Theatre at the

FSU Center for the Performing Arts

5555 N Tamiami Trail, Sarasota, FL 34243

Tix: $15.50 pre-sale / $18.50 walk-up

https://our.show/lonelydeathoflharris

From the vIRTEgo Circus Lost and Found Bin...

Boys and Girls! 

We hope you are all enjoying our vIRTEgo Circus! Occasionally, one of our very welcome and esteemed guests gets a bit distracted by all the amazing sites, marvelous midway games and many sideshow attractions and will misplace a special personal item. Fret not! We hold on to everything at Lost and Found! We have been hanging on to the diary of one particular soul for some time. If you recognize the writing, please report to Ringmaster Lucy Knight. We'll be happy to offer you free ride on our Carousel for your pain.

Yours,

vIRTEgo Circus Management

vIRTEgo Circus

Final Performances 

March 15 & 16, 2024

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 8th & 9th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets

A Simple Pumpkin Pie Recipe for Thanksgiving

IRTE cast member Natalie (the Recipe) Hunter shares a very easy-to make and uncomplicated Thanksgiving Recipe she found in Stuart Marfa's Real Simple Woman's Healthy Day Magazine.

Pumpkin Pie Recipe

The air is crisp, the leaves are falling. Ah, yes, my friends. It’s that time of year again. Autumn.

This time of year always reminds me of when my husband went off to war. The day was November 10th. Thanksgiving was around the corner and his favorite dish I would prepare is my pumpkin pie.

So I cooked one up the night before he was meant to leave for the war after he had fallen asleep. Admittedly, I couldn’t remember what time his flight was but I knew it was in the wee hours of the morning. I didn’t want to wake him up so instead I would get up every hour on the hour to pop the pumpkin pie back in the oven to keep it warm and keep the pumpkin scent going.

With each hour that passed by, I grew wearier. So much so that I mistakenly put my cat sitting beside the delectable dessert into the oven. I had nodded off in front of the oven and woke up to the sound of my cat desperately yowling and clawing at the door.

I grabbed my oven mitts and pulled out my slightly singed cat, Reginald, out of the oven. Somehow my husband had slept through the commotion but my five children came stampeding down the stairs.

Once assuring everything was ok, Little Timmy noticed my frazzled state and suggested I have some of my special mommy juice. It was the smartest thing he had said all year. I popped the pie back in the oven, sent my little ones to bed and drank a few bottles of wine to calm my nerves.

I awoke on the couch to my husband coming down the stairs. I asked him what time it was and he informed me that it was 6:45 AM of the following day. He explained to me that I had been passed out on the couch all day but luckily, I had gotten the date wrong and he was actually leaving today. 

He also notified me that he had woken up to the smell of burning ambrosia and the sound of the fire alarm, which I had somehow slept through. I apologized profusely and offered to make him a new pumpkin pie. But he explained that he had eaten the burnt pie and that he had liked it better that way. He told me it was the best ambrosia I ever made.

Before he left for the war, I kissed him on the cheek as our five children ran to his feet and wrapped their little bodies around his legs. They begged him not to leave but he told them he had an important duty to fulfill.

Miraculously, he was only gone a fortnight and made it home for Thanksgiving. He said he completed his militaristic responsibilities but may be drafted again any day now. I was just relieved he found an opportunity to do something meaningful and wasn’t cheating on me again.

Anyway, here’s the new and improved recipe for my world-famous pumpkin pie.

Pumpkin Pie

2 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1 can (15 oz) pumpkin
1 can (12 oz) evaporated milk 

3 bottles of wine

1 resilient cat 

3 cups tears

Leave in oven for 28 hours. Ignore smoke alarm.

What's cooking at IRTE this November? Find out at...

Fridays and Saturdays. 

November 10, 11, 17 & 18,

December 1, 2, 8 & 9, 2023

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 9th & 10th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets

An open letter from L. Harris

To Whom it May Concern:

I know you might be finding me one day, alone and deceased in this Apt 19D so I wanted to explain a few things…..

I’ve lived here for so long, I don’t even remember how it got to this state of disarray.

When I first moved in, it was totally empty and filled with possibilities.

I really tried to keep up with housekeeping but as you can see, did not do well with that.

I have a hard time throwing anything away.  What if I need a box that size to store something in the future -or if I need to send a package to someone?  So I just stacked everything up in piles.

The piles look neat to me - and I know where everything is - but to someone from the outside it just looks like a mess.

This is why I never invited anyone over for dinner or just to hang out - I mean years ago when I was more social.

I was embarrassed to have anyone else see it.

But I know that some day I will be gone, and none of this stuff will matter.

Not the newspapers, the magazines, the boxes, the empty coffee cans, the souvenirs from Coney Island, the mug with the broken handle, the calendars that I couldn’t bear to part with because what if I needed to remember when my last dentist appointment was?

I never really got the knack of digital calendars so I just kept with the regular ones.

I did get used to online shopping but that just caused more problems. When the packages came and the product wasn’t what I expected, I never returned it I just saved it in the pile thinking well maybe one day I would find use for it.

Probably I inherited these traits from my parents because they were very nostalgic about things and kept every letter they ever received, every greeting card, every gift they gave each other too.

I was watching a show about some Royal funeral procession and everything was so ornate and there were thousands of people attending the funeral in a huge church.

It got me thinking about when I go - say I die alone in this apartment….. Who will miss me? How long will it be before someone finds me?  At that point it won’t matter to me because I’ll be gone.

As they look through the apartment they will find all the material items, but won’t know what each of them meant to me at some point in my life - what sentimental value they have.

One thing I do hope is that maybe the pigeons who always fly around outside my window will know when I pass…. And they will gather on the windowsill one time in a solemn memorial to me.  Then they will fly away and look for another apartment windowsill where someone leaves the stale bread for them, and maybe become a friend to someone lonely.

Sincerely,

L. Harris

Apt. 19D

Fridays and Saturdays. 

Remaining shows

February 24, 25, March 3, 4, 10 & 11

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 9th & 10th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets

From the Forgotten Blog of Dylan Hoover

Like, greetings to anyone that might be reading this.

This is Dylan Hoover, and I’m stoked to have found a spot that still has a working phone line so I can dialup on something Dr. Truman is calling a "modem" and send an "electronic mail" letter to the universe.

Life has been pretty tough since you know, the apocalypse, but I’m making it work. I don’t know who else is even like, alive, other than my mom and our neighbors the Trumans. The Trumans are rad, but especially Skyler. We’re like, totally meant to be and I can’t imagine the end of civilization without her.

Skyler, my Dream Girl

Skyler's little sis

She has this weird sister though who like, totally freaks me out. I’m always nice to her to her face though, because that’s the kind of guy I am. But it’s like… she has some sort of power or something and everyone is always acting real careful around her. She’s not like any other girl I’ve met, but like, not in a good way I guess? Sometimes she goes a little crazy but luckily there’s this rocker dude who can calm her down by playing music. The Trumans keep him as a prisoner but it seems to work for him. Sometimes they give him food if they find rodents to cook.

Andie's chill pill

Mom and me

He’s like her version of taking a chill pill or something; I don’t really get it. But I guess I’m glad they’re all there though. Sometimes they have other food that my mom and I can get in on, or take when they’re not looking. There’s a way into their basement that we found, which is good for us but like, totally dumb of them to not have good security during a robot war apocalypse. Like, get with it.

Last week I found a can of tomato paste down there and brought it to Skyler as a present. We opened it and ate it together by the light of the fire down by the highway that’s been burning for months now. She’s totally into me. 

I spend the rest of my time working out and getting strong. I know Skyler likes it, and I guess it’s good for fighting the robots if there’s a Robot War 2. Or at least I can like, protect us and keep us alive now. If I’m the only guy around I might as well be the hottest guy around too.

Dr. and Mrs. T

This modem is making a weird sound– I think it’s gonna disconnect in a sec. I don’t know if I’ll get back here, but if you want you can IM me at DHbball69. Later.

Did Dylan survive..?

Find out at...

Fridays and Saturdays. 

Remaining shows

November 18, 19, December 2 and 3, 2022

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 9th & 10th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets