MacGuffin Goes Missing Causing Widespread Panic Across Town

By Bonnie Browne

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a train? We’re not entirely positive at the Wrightman Gazette. All we do know is that it is a valuable object and it has gone missing. Credible sources have disclosed that this MacGuffin was last seen at the Bates Motel on Saturday evening, hours before the Gala for Ensnared and Impoverished Horses. 

Detective Hank Hankerstein’s list of suspects

This morning we spoke with the owner’s son. We requested to speak with the mother, but Mr. Norman Bates claimed she was too “terribly disturbed by the tragedy to come down from her room.” What Bates did tell us, however, is that the only guest staying there at the time was a “beautiful blonde” who has since vanished.

So many mysterious blondes in this lineup - which one could it be?

Detective Hank Hankerstein told us that not much is known about the object other than the fact that it is of “utmost valuable” and whoever took it should come under “immediate and inscrutable suspicion.”  Head of Intelligence Chris Crossley also told us that while the mystery blonde seems like the most obvious suspect, he has not eliminated anyone as a suspect and that “absolutely everyone is under suspicion.”

This case could get deadly!

Police are currently interviewing everyone who attended the gala including wealthy widow Lucille Porter, secretary Ethel Glycol, banker Ernest Thomson and Chief Psychoanalyst at the Institute for the Mentally Ambiguous Dr. Grace Eisenfrost. Some staff working at the gala are also under investigation including Elizabeth Graham.

The gala was full of drama - but the events after the gala are turning out to be even more of a mystery!

Anyone who has any tips on what this valuable object or who may have took it, is encouraged to phone Bonnie Browne, junior reporter at the Wrightman Gazette.

Natalie Hunter contributed reporting.

An open letter from L. Harris

To Whom it May Concern:

I know you might be finding me one day, alone and deceased in this Apt 19D so I wanted to explain a few things…..

I’ve lived here for so long, I don’t even remember how it got to this state of disarray.

When I first moved in, it was totally empty and filled with possibilities.

I really tried to keep up with housekeeping but as you can see, did not do well with that.

I have a hard time throwing anything away.  What if I need a box that size to store something in the future -or if I need to send a package to someone?  So I just stacked everything up in piles.

The piles look neat to me - and I know where everything is - but to someone from the outside it just looks like a mess.

This is why I never invited anyone over for dinner or just to hang out - I mean years ago when I was more social.

I was embarrassed to have anyone else see it.

But I know that some day I will be gone, and none of this stuff will matter.

Not the newspapers, the magazines, the boxes, the empty coffee cans, the souvenirs from Coney Island, the mug with the broken handle, the calendars that I couldn’t bear to part with because what if I needed to remember when my last dentist appointment was?

I never really got the knack of digital calendars so I just kept with the regular ones.

I did get used to online shopping but that just caused more problems. When the packages came and the product wasn’t what I expected, I never returned it I just saved it in the pile thinking well maybe one day I would find use for it.

Probably I inherited these traits from my parents because they were very nostalgic about things and kept every letter they ever received, every greeting card, every gift they gave each other too.

I was watching a show about some Royal funeral procession and everything was so ornate and there were thousands of people attending the funeral in a huge church.

It got me thinking about when I go - say I die alone in this apartment….. Who will miss me? How long will it be before someone finds me?  At that point it won’t matter to me because I’ll be gone.

As they look through the apartment they will find all the material items, but won’t know what each of them meant to me at some point in my life - what sentimental value they have.

One thing I do hope is that maybe the pigeons who always fly around outside my window will know when I pass…. And they will gather on the windowsill one time in a solemn memorial to me.  Then they will fly away and look for another apartment windowsill where someone leaves the stale bread for them, and maybe become a friend to someone lonely.

Sincerely,

L. Harris

Apt. 19D

Fridays and Saturdays. 

Remaining shows

February 24, 25, March 3, 4, 10 & 11

8:00-9:30pm

The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street

Between 9th & 10th Ave

New York, NY

Tickets: $20 on-line, $25 cash only at the door

https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets

From the Personal and Very Private Diary of Ronnie Clucker

 

Ronnie is very excited to attend her first party. 

Ever.

Come meet all the Cluckers and Tuckers at...

Fridays and Saturdays

February 11, 12, 18, 19, 25 & 26, 2022

March 4 & 5, 2022
8:00pm-9:30pm
Tickets $20 Online / $25 Cash Only at the Door
​
MONDAY FEBRUARY 14, 2022 - SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY SHOW!
Tickets $30 Online / $40 Cash Only at the Door

The Producers Club

358 West 44th Street

Between 8th and 9th Avenue

New York, NY

​

www.irteinfo.com

Experience the S.S. Maximamoolah

Never has there been a cruise ship the size of the SS Maximamoolah.

Soooooo big, one camera can't capture it all!

No other vessel on the seven seas rival it in luxury or expanse. Boasting no less than

seventeen turbine engines designed by Elon Mush, it is the fastest boat of its size. Its
specially heated prow can melt ice for an Antarctic adventure, or hatch Condor eggs
without the help of a mother Condor. Now that makes for a hearty breakfast in any one
of the 32 eating establishments throughout the 44 decks. The dining in the main ball
room has been prepared especially for your journey by none other than James Beer
Award winner Mario Battalion.

Endangered Species Treats!

There isn’t just food aboard the Maximamoolah, but a new world of fun.
There are movie theaters plus IMAX on board. A cabaret, and a Broadway sized theatre
with three balconies. This summer’s entertainment includes the beautiful vocal shadings
of Tym Moss straight out of Manhattan.
But, performing arts aren’t the only fun you’ll have on board.
Gamble at the casino, or at the Jai Alai court on S, T, F and U decks. Have fun on the
water slide, or feed the exotic wild cats in the first floating animal park!

Oops! Look who's using the pool!

Come join the fun and sun on board the SS Maximamoolah! Sea-ing is Believing!

The SS Maximamoolah sets sail in IRTE's

THE SHIP BE SINKIN'

April 5, 6, 12 & 13, 8:00 pm

 The Producers Club, 358 West 44th Street
between 9th and 10th Avenue
New York, NY


 Tickets: $15 on-line, $17 at the door

David Jay's DIY Paper Craft Game - Bachelorette Party FUN!

Have you ever wanted to make a fun DIY paper craft game for a bachelorette party? Of course you haven't. But now you can, with...

David Jay's Penis Ring Toss Game. 

And you'll be the most popular person there!
Watch the exciting video tutorial, and print out the instructions and template here: http://tinyurl.com/y3crbtvg

And if you're in New York City, see Tammy's Bachelorette, a hilarious comedy improv show by IRTE and David Jay as the "Adult Entertainment."

March 8, 9, 15, 16, 2019. 

Tix and info at: https://www.irteinfo.com/tickets/Tammys-Bachelorette-p129993812

Help Us to Continue Bringing Good Cheer in the New Year!

Dear Friend,

We had a great season this past year, producing four different shows. Plus, we're doing our best to reach audiences outside of New York City, as well. In January, we're performing at the Asheville Fringe Festival. So, if you live in or near NC, now's your chance to check us out live and in person!

For the upcoming 2017 season, the IRTE elves have opened their workshop, and are hard at work making plans for four new improvised shows. They're hoping to bring entertainment and laughter to all, and give everyone some relief from the past year.

We can't do this without contributions from people like you who want to share terrific, zany, live comedy and who want to make sure it's affordable for everybody.

If you weren't able to take part in our 2016 Indiegogo fundraiser, and would like to see  small, independent theatre thrive, there is still time to make a tax deductible gift to IRTE in 2016 through our fiscal sponsor, Fractured Atlas. To give a gift to IRTE during this charitable time of year, please go to the Fractured Atlas IRTE page and make a tax deductible donation on-line. If you prefer, you can also donate by check. Please send contributions to IRTE c/o Robert Baumgardner, 10 W 66 St, #19-H, New York, NY 10023. Checks should be made payable to Fractured Atlas, with IRTE in the memo line. IRTE is a sponsored project of Fractured Atlas, a non-profit arts service organization. Contributions for the charitable purposes of IRTE must be made payable to “Fractured Atlas” and are tax‐deductible to the extent permitted by law. We greatly appreciate it.

We at IRTE would like to wish all of you a happy holiday season and a wonderful new year! We'd also like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your support over the past five years. Our 2016 fundraising efforts helped us pay for over a third of our overall costs. Our biggest expense, by far, is rent on theatre and rehearsal spaces. This year we spent over $3,400 on that alone. Donations weren't the only way you supported us. We had a blast seeing so many of you in the audience for multiple shows in our season.
 
Happy Holidays from all of us at IRTE, and we look forward to seeing you for our exciting new 2017 season (announcement coming soon)!

Nannette Deasy, Artistic Director
Robert Baumgardner
Curt Dixon
Jamie Maloney
Bill Berg

Ravening Mummies, Fascist Elephants, and a Fearless Lady Archaeologist

Meet IRTE’s New Jersey Nora

"New Jersey" Nora. Photo Courtesy of Roberto Tobar

by Jeff O'Leary

Back by popular demand, IRTE’s archaeological adventure show, ‘Dig,’ will be making a very special appearance at the Midtown International Theater Festival -- featuring New Jersey Nora, a very special lady archaeologist.  Guest star Jeff O’Leary interviewed our heroine to learn what makes this brilliant and intrepid adventuress tick.  Read on!

How did you get your start as an archaeologist/explorer? Any mentors, people you pattern you career after?

Mummies are fun on dates but they have commitment issues

My passion for archaeology began as a small child. I traveled the globe with my parents Norman and Noelle Netless who were famous aerialists for Giggling Brothers World of Wonders Circus. They were the headliners until tragically murdered by a Nazi elephant. Spending my earliest years under the big top, I learned many skills invaluable to a budding archaeologist - knife throwing, whip wielding, sharp-shooting, horseback riding, flying aircraft, and Sanskrit. After my parents untimely demise, I was sent to live with my great uncle Alpheus Leakey Fawcett, an Egyptopaleoanthroapologist at Camden, New Jersey's renowned University of University. It was he who instilled in me a great respect for rescuing ancient antiquities from moldering ruins and indifferent governments and placing them where they belong - IN A MUSEUM! (preferably a Western one).

Batman has his Robin, Obama has his Biden -- any sidekicks that you have fond feelings for?

I've gone through TA's like a hot knife through butter. A TA's career in my class is often short-lived (literally). The "field research" can be a bit...fraught...  Sadly, I can barely remember the faces of many of my teachers assistants. It's a blur ('cause they've usually been ripped off by some mummy).

Book of the Dead -- not appropriate bedtime reading

New Jersey Nora in action! Photo Courtesy of Roberto Tobar

However, there was one companion who will always have a special place in my heart. Her name was Rags, an orphan who stowed away in my steamer trunk while I was lecturing on the dangers of reading aloud from the Book of the Dead at the British Museum in London. I'm pretty sure Rags wasn't her family name, but it seemed appropriate given her deplorable fashion sense. I taught her so many things during our many adventures together - how to drive a stick shift, how to remove blood stains from khaki, hiding in wicker baskets, dusting, and that monkeys are not your friends...


It can get pretty lonely out there in the jungle. Is there are special someone in your life that keeps you company when you are on the trail of a rare artifact?

I'm a romantic. I've been married countless times and never divorced (usually because of mummies).

Indiana Jones is famously afraid of snakes. What sort of things give you the creeps?

Elephants with Fascist leanings.

Do you have a "bucket list" of archaeological discoveries?

I've been hot on the trail of unearthing Jesus' Yearbook. Fingers crossed!

Want to see more of New Jersey Nora?  Then don't miss this special performance of IRTE’s Dig:

Midtown International Theater Festival
Saturday, July 30 at 9 PM - 9:45 PM

WorkShop Theater's Jewel Box Theater,

312 West 36th Street, Fourth Floor,

New York, NY 10018
Tickets: $20

The Two Davids, a Dueling Interview

David E. Johnston

Mr. David Jay

By Jamie Maloney

I had the rare opportunity to talk to both David Johnston AND Mr David Jay, long time IRTE collaborators, about their experiences with IRTE and the upcoming production Last Resort.

Jamie: How did you come to be involved with IRTE?

David Johnston: I worked with Brad Barton, who is an improv comic and friends with IRTE. He knew I was starting a band called “Gift of Tongues” and that IRTE was looking for musical guests for their shows.

Nannette Deasy "Jay" declined to comment
on this interview

Mr. David Jay: When Gift of Tongues bowed out, my ex girlfriend/wife Nannette asked me to come perform at the last minute

Jamie: How long have you been a GIRTE? In which IRTE productions have you appeared?

David Johnston: I have been a GIRTE for about 4 years. Gift of Tongues appeared in the 2013 season and in one show in 2014:

Interludes 2063, vIRTEgo Circus, and Space Probe. The 2014 show was The Scary

Mr. David Jay: Seems like forever. I started in the 2014 season with vIRTE Go-Go. In Magic Zoo I did an excerpt of my upcoming one-man show “Zoo-sical- Behind the Bars of the Human Zoo”. Then I headlined The League of Extraordinary Blondes .In 2015 I performed in every goddamn show of the season

Jamie: Do you have a favorite memory of your experiences with IRTE? What do you like most about performing in IRTE shows?

David Johnston: One of my favorite Gift of Tongues experiences was for Space Probe, when I wanted to do music that combined 70’s space funk with songs about clones. And I had Matt Dallow on theremin- which I think is one of the coolest instruments.

Mr David Jay: My favorite memory was at DIG!, when I made 4 audience feel like they had to leave the theater. I was just doing a simple monologue about suppositories and my mother’s French manicures. What’s the big deal?

Jamie: Do you have any interesting talents or abilities that people might be surprised to know about?

Mr David Jay: No. Everything you need to know is right on stage

David Johnston: For about 5 years I had a company called “The Bubble Roome” which made personal care products like soap and body butter and things like that. I started in my tiny Brooklyn kitchen and then was able to have someone else manufacture my recipes as the products got into over 100 stores.

Jamie: The current IRTE show, “Last Resort” is all about wish fulfillment. Do you have a secret wish you’d like to share with everyone?

David Johnston: Gift of Tongues doing a huge spectacle show at the BAM Opera House

Mr David Jay: My secret wish: to always have a follow-spot, and a fresh glass of Maker’s Mark on stage at all times

Jamie: So what will you be doing for the show this time around?

Mr David Jay: Breaking the rules, bridging gaps, and bringing people of different colors together under a rainbow of glitter.

Jamie: Do you have anything else happening that you’d like people to know about?

David Johnston: We’re working on a video for one of our songs from our last CD, which is called Dahmeresque. It will like a bloody valentine.

Mr David Jay: I’m currently very constipated.

Jamie: Thanks David and David, I’ll see you at showtime.

Don't miss LAST RESORT

Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m.
June 10, 11, 17 & 18
The Producer’s Club
358 W 44th St, New York, NY
Tickets: $12

Aged Wisdom: 21 Pieces of Advice from Some Old Fart

Actual photo

By Lane Brickmason, Curmudgeon
(...as told to William Berg)

1. Work is overrated. If I could do it all over again I’d retire in my twenties and work shit jobs in my sixties.
2. Never hold a grudge or a fart. You’ll feel much better if you let it all go. Some say true freedom is the freedom to fart whenever and wherever you need to.
3. Always have sex with a woman who wants to have sex with you. Whatever mess it may make in the moment, you’ll regret it later if you don’t do it.
4. Free yourself from guilt. If no one saw you do it and you didn’t get caught, stop worrying about it.
5. Always sign a pre-nup. Trust me on this.
6. Never trust a politician, a lawyer, or your in-laws. In the end, they’re all out to get you.
7. Learn to play a musical instrument. It’ll help get you laid when you’re young and keep you company when you’re old.
8. Don’t concern yourself with fashion. Wear whatever the hell you like wearing.
9. Learn how to handle a firearm. Even if you don’t ever own a gun, it’s a good skill to have and you just never know when you might need it.
10. Learn how to get your own food, whether it’s hunting, fishing, or gardening. Again, you never know.
11. Keep fit and learn how to work with your hands. If you don’t build your own house, at least you can dig your own grave.
12. Do your goddamn dishes! It’s inconsiderate and disgusting, and nothing pleases a woman more than a man doing a simple chore.
13. Always keep your driver’s license and your library card current. There’s more than one way to get away!
14. Don’t get caught up in always having the latest technological gadget. Learn how to do things the old ways and you’ll be doing just fine.
15. Learn how to ride a horse or a motorcycle. Do I need to explain why?
16. Learn to fly a plane, pilot a boat, or drive a train. Good for when the shit really hits the fan.
17. Avoid doctors unless absolutely necessary. They’re like car mechanics but not as honest.
18. On the subject of perfume: when ladies wear just a little bit it adds a nice flavor to their already alluring scent. Men, on the other hand, should NEVER wear perfume. That garbage just stinks! I’d rather smell my own farts.
19. If you ever get the chance to go up in a UFO - DON’T F*CKING DO IT!!!
20. Always have a smile ready. It’s good for charming a lady or sticking it to someone who’s trying to get you down.
21. Make sure you make out a will and give clear instructions for after your death. Don’t be a pain in the ass from the grave!

The most important piece of advice..?
Don't miss LAST RESORT

Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m.
June 10, 11, 17 & 18
The Producer’s Club
358 W 44th St, New York, NY
Tickets: $12