Aged Wisdom: 21 Pieces of Advice from Some Old Fart

Actual photo

By Lane Brickmason, Curmudgeon
(...as told to William Berg)

1. Work is overrated. If I could do it all over again I’d retire in my twenties and work shit jobs in my sixties.
2. Never hold a grudge or a fart. You’ll feel much better if you let it all go. Some say true freedom is the freedom to fart whenever and wherever you need to.
3. Always have sex with a woman who wants to have sex with you. Whatever mess it may make in the moment, you’ll regret it later if you don’t do it.
4. Free yourself from guilt. If no one saw you do it and you didn’t get caught, stop worrying about it.
5. Always sign a pre-nup. Trust me on this.
6. Never trust a politician, a lawyer, or your in-laws. In the end, they’re all out to get you.
7. Learn to play a musical instrument. It’ll help get you laid when you’re young and keep you company when you’re old.
8. Don’t concern yourself with fashion. Wear whatever the hell you like wearing.
9. Learn how to handle a firearm. Even if you don’t ever own a gun, it’s a good skill to have and you just never know when you might need it.
10. Learn how to get your own food, whether it’s hunting, fishing, or gardening. Again, you never know.
11. Keep fit and learn how to work with your hands. If you don’t build your own house, at least you can dig your own grave.
12. Do your goddamn dishes! It’s inconsiderate and disgusting, and nothing pleases a woman more than a man doing a simple chore.
13. Always keep your driver’s license and your library card current. There’s more than one way to get away!
14. Don’t get caught up in always having the latest technological gadget. Learn how to do things the old ways and you’ll be doing just fine.
15. Learn how to ride a horse or a motorcycle. Do I need to explain why?
16. Learn to fly a plane, pilot a boat, or drive a train. Good for when the shit really hits the fan.
17. Avoid doctors unless absolutely necessary. They’re like car mechanics but not as honest.
18. On the subject of perfume: when ladies wear just a little bit it adds a nice flavor to their already alluring scent. Men, on the other hand, should NEVER wear perfume. That garbage just stinks! I’d rather smell my own farts.
19. If you ever get the chance to go up in a UFO - DON’T F*CKING DO IT!!!
20. Always have a smile ready. It’s good for charming a lady or sticking it to someone who’s trying to get you down.
21. Make sure you make out a will and give clear instructions for after your death. Don’t be a pain in the ass from the grave!

The most important piece of advice..?
Don't miss LAST RESORT

Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m.
June 10, 11, 17 & 18
The Producer’s Club
358 W 44th St, New York, NY
Tickets: $12

IRTE Looks Back on 2015

It's January 31st and everyone is (wondering why they came into the office today) counting down the last remaining hours of 2015 and taking stock of the vanishing (office Christmas cookies) year.

As we prepare for a brand new season of shows and memories yet to be made, the members of IRTE look back on their favorite moments of the 2015 Season...

My favorite show of the season was when the rats took over NYC led by the rat King Charlemagne during an episode of Calamity! It was a super fast paced show with Nate Betancourt as the rat king, and Nannette Deasy as a loose cannon cop out to save the day. The cherry on top happened with the observation that Steely Dan had written a song for King Charlemagne... Even though the song being referenced was "Kid Charlemagne". :)

- Robert Baumgardner

There were many high points for me in the 2015 IRTE season. I loved playing the washed out, coked up news anchor in Late Night News, and briefly being Barry the alcoholic badger for my little taste of The Magic Zoo in the Del Close Marathon was a delight, but for me I think the creme de la creme was being part of our heroic cast slaughtering each other as a multitude of celebrities during our stellar 5-day run of The League of Extraordinary Blondes at the Dream Up Festival. - Bill Berg 


 

I loved playing Gerald Ford in "League of Extraordinary Blondes", but what I loved even more was in one scene during rehearsals for the show I was Richard Nixon eating a baby on the beach.

- Jamie Maloney




 
I really loved the moment in "Adrift" when I was about to throw the baby overboard. I could feel the audience anticipation just as I was about to launch her into the crowd.  And when I did finally toss her the audience would scream. That was so much fun!

- Curt Dixon 

One of the most memorable characters of the season, in my opinion, was musical guest David Johnston's alter ego Mr. David Jay who popped up in all but one of our shows. In his own words - " If Rip Taylor & Frank Sinatra had a baby and let it live, it would have been David Jay. Without training or ability, he pleases his handful of fans with gay jazz." He had the best costume changes, the most glitter and recorded probably the best theme song and video in IRTE history.

- Nannette Deasy

TV Guide Cheers & Jeers - Lester Lannigan, Wow Wee's Dreamy Dad!

CHEERS 'N' JEERS
 

Cheers for Lester Lannigan, primetime's hottest TV dad! (Move over, Bill Cosby!) Lester plays Larry Truman, creator of Andie the Android and head of the Truman clan on IRTV's smash hit Wow Wee! Adventures of a Little Girl Robot. A bit of a "goof" himself, the former soap star describes his TV alter ego as, surprisingly, "a bit of a simpleton for someone who’s designed such a remarkable robot!" Truman may be a "dork" and a "nerd", but he and wife Betty (Tammy Sue Dixon) are sure to bring laughter and warmth (AND RATINGS!) to primetime!

Lannigan as the wickedly popular Father Pierce Jabbington on Blessed Are the Sacred

 

Fans may be surprised to learn that Lannigan comes from a family with a rich history in SHOW BUSINESS. Lester’s great-great-grandfather, Levi Lautenberg, performed in vaudeville acts near the start of the 20th century, and Lester’s father, Lenny Lautenberg, was a dance and synchronized swimming coach who acted in the local dinner theater. Lester’s mother, Lana, was an amateur opera singer and seamstress.

 

The ACTING BUG bit Lannigan early! Lester’s first role was as a sweet pea at a county fair when just a few months old, which he got when the baby originally cast went missing. Lannigan admits he took a long break from acting until he was 17, when the lead in his high school’s play died in a tragic wheat harvesting accident. Lester promptly left his home town of Enid, Oklahoma, to pursue a career in SHOW BUSINESS. After a few gigs as an impersonator in Reno, Nevada, he found his way into Hollywood television studios as a production assistant and grip, finally getting a lucky break when he made an accidental walk-on onto a live taping of the short-lived BBC crossover The Barrister’s a Bear! (1972)

 

Lester became a grocery store check-out line NAME after co-starring in some of the 70s and 80s most beloved and briefest running shows such as, Cromwell’s Indians, Rudy and the Martians, and Blessed are the Sacred. HOLLYWOOD is abuzz wondering if this TV Dad can fill out a COLORFUL PATTERNED SWEATER as well as the Cosby Competition. As Bill would say, "Wow Wee! I'll drink to that!"

Don't miss Lester Lannigan in
 

Wow Wee! Adventures of a Little Girl Robot

Saturdays, March 7, 14 and 21, 8:00 pm

at The Producer's Club

358 W 44th St, NYC

between 8th & 9th Ave.

Tickets: $12.00