Aged Wisdom: 21 Pieces of Advice from Some Old Fart

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By Lane Brickmason, Curmudgeon
(...as told to William Berg)

1. Work is overrated. If I could do it all over again I’d retire in my twenties and work shit jobs in my sixties.
2. Never hold a grudge or a fart. You’ll feel much better if you let it all go. Some say true freedom is the freedom to fart whenever and wherever you need to.
3. Always have sex with a woman who wants to have sex with you. Whatever mess it may make in the moment, you’ll regret it later if you don’t do it.
4. Free yourself from guilt. If no one saw you do it and you didn’t get caught, stop worrying about it.
5. Always sign a pre-nup. Trust me on this.
6. Never trust a politician, a lawyer, or your in-laws. In the end, they’re all out to get you.
7. Learn to play a musical instrument. It’ll help get you laid when you’re young and keep you company when you’re old.
8. Don’t concern yourself with fashion. Wear whatever the hell you like wearing.
9. Learn how to handle a firearm. Even if you don’t ever own a gun, it’s a good skill to have and you just never know when you might need it.
10. Learn how to get your own food, whether it’s hunting, fishing, or gardening. Again, you never know.
11. Keep fit and learn how to work with your hands. If you don’t build your own house, at least you can dig your own grave.
12. Do your goddamn dishes! It’s inconsiderate and disgusting, and nothing pleases a woman more than a man doing a simple chore.
13. Always keep your driver’s license and your library card current. There’s more than one way to get away!
14. Don’t get caught up in always having the latest technological gadget. Learn how to do things the old ways and you’ll be doing just fine.
15. Learn how to ride a horse or a motorcycle. Do I need to explain why?
16. Learn to fly a plane, pilot a boat, or drive a train. Good for when the shit really hits the fan.
17. Avoid doctors unless absolutely necessary. They’re like car mechanics but not as honest.
18. On the subject of perfume: when ladies wear just a little bit it adds a nice flavor to their already alluring scent. Men, on the other hand, should NEVER wear perfume. That garbage just stinks! I’d rather smell my own farts.
19. If you ever get the chance to go up in a UFO - DON’T F*CKING DO IT!!!
20. Always have a smile ready. It’s good for charming a lady or sticking it to someone who’s trying to get you down.
21. Make sure you make out a will and give clear instructions for after your death. Don’t be a pain in the ass from the grave!

The most important piece of advice..?
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