THE CAPTAIN'S CORNER - Cry Babies and Mermaids!

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Last time I was on extended shore leave, I spent some time with my wonderful nephew. I would like to share with you one of his favorite jokes:

 

KNOCK KNOCK

WHO’S THERE?

BOO

BOO WHO?

QUIT CRYING YOU BIG BABY!

The kid is a budding comedic genius (watch your back, Shecky Herring!)

But perhaps lurking beneath the surface of this joke is a lesson to be learned. Are we (the passengers and unfortunately most of the crew) just a bunch of CRY BABIES who need to stop their BOO-HOOing? Some food for thought…

Speaking of food: the buffet is officially closed.  Once we lost electricity, we were fighting a losing battle to save the perishable food items. And that battle has now officially been lost.

 

What about canned goods, you say? Well, I threw them all overboard last night.  I couldn’t sleep because of the infernal moaning of the fish in the sea.  “Feed us, feed us, feed us,” they kept chanting over and over again. Finally, I got up and threw all the cans into the sea.  I tossed the can openers over as well, just in case.

Maybe it’s time you got a little adventurous with your dining experiences. Have you ever tried seagull? It’s only good when it’s raw. The trick is catching the dirty buggers!

And please stop asking me if I have some kind of “secret Captain’s stash” of food.  I do actually have a secret stash, but its magazines not food. Before you ask -- NO you can’t borrow them. I lent Shecky one of my personal faves and never got it back. He ruined it for everybody else, so take it up with him.

Looking for something to distract yourself from the inevitable doom that awaits us all? Check out the amazing Mr. David Jay performing nightly in the Tsunami Room. And if you haven’t grown weary of his stale jokes and lame prop gags, Shecky Herring continues his late night run in The Peppermint Lounge

Several of the passengers have asked me about the strange creatures that have begun following the ship. They have been described as half-woman / half-fish, with hair woven out of shimmering sea foam. I’m no zoologist, but years at sea have taught me that these creatures are called “mermaids.”

Note to parents: if you have young children and you spot a mermaid, be forewarned that these creatures have never adopted the human custom of wearing clothes.  The sight of a mermaid’s heaving bosoms, draped in glistening seaweed, has been known to confuse many a young lad and cause many a sleepless night.

So maybe it’s time to have that talk, the talk my now-departed parents never had with me. The one about mermaids and how you should never ever fall in love with one. Never.

Climb Aboard the SS Ted McGinley

with IRTE in...  

 

ADRIFT

Saturdays, April 4, 11 & 18, 8:00 pm
at The Producer's Club
358 W 44th St, NYC
between 8th & 9th Ave.

Tickets: $12.00

THE CAPTAIN’S CORNER - An Extended Vacation!

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A surprising number of passengers actually read the first installment of “Captain’s Corner”-- a fact which usually would make me very happy indeed. Unfortunately, some Negative Nancys and Pessimistic Peters (not their real names) have used MY OWN WORDS to spread rumors, speak half-truths and generally say some not very nice things about me

I feel that by responding to these malicious rumors, I am lowering myself to the level of these scallywags. But in the interest of ship morale I have decided to address several of the accusations/slanderous statements that are floating around the ship.

First and foremost:  Yes, the ships engines are “used.” But, they have very low mileage!  I inspected them myself when they were being installed and let me assure you they are perfectly adequate.

As to the related question, “Why did you buy used engines for a cruise ship and thereby endanger the lives of hundreds of your passengers?”  The answer is quite simple & obvious: to pass the savings onto you, THE PASSENGERS (duh!)

Also I would like to let you all know that I purchased an extended warranty/service contract with the engines.  If I was just a “dumbass captain” would I do that?

Yes, I’ve seen the graffiti.  “Dumbass” is just one of several personal insults spray-painted around the ship, but the only one appropriate for this family publication.  Make no mistake, we will find the perpetrator(s) and the cost of cleaning off the graffiti will be added to their final bill.

And now for some bad news. We are experiencing some difficulties in locating a mechanic who specializes in large-scale nuclear naval engines to come out and fix the dang things. I can’t even get one to return my calls.  Plus, we are not entirely sure where we are right now, and with our luck the poor guy would just be sailing around in circles trying to find us, wasting his time and wasting our money.  (And yes, of course, a mechanic could be a guy or a girl – I have met some damn fine lady mechanics in my day!)

As per my Captain duties, I will be attempting to fix the engines myself. So if you don’t see quite as much of me these days, feel safe in the knowledge that I will be cloistered deep in the bowels of the ship, beavering away with a screwdriver and other assorted items from the ship’s toolbox. Feel free to join me, but only if you intend to help diagnose and fix the engines. Just coming down there to yell and scream at me isn’t going to fix anything.

So just sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of your trip. Don’t think of this as being stranded at sea – think of it as an extended vacation!

Hard to believe, but not everybody on the ship is bitching and moaning about food rationing and backed-up plumbing.  Instead of worrying about things you have no control over, why not consider another visit to our Peppermint Lounge?

There are few select entertainers in this world who have climbed their way to the top rung of the show business ladder, and exist in the rarefied air of super-duper mega stardom.  One of the perks of being a megastar is that people are forced to call you by one name: Elvis, Cher, Madonna, Prince, Beyoncé, etc.  We are lucky enough to have one of these entertainers on our very own ship. The extremely talented ReW* continues her run at the Peppermint Lounge.

And after the show, stick around for comedy legend Shecky Herring!  Shecky is still performing every night, entertaining the passengers (and crew – I’m his #1 fan) with his prop-inspired shenanigans. 

Finally, I’d like to end things on an “up” note. We have an orphan on board! Two of our passengers (husband and wife) were unable to deal with the current situation and threw themselves overboard last night. Lucky for us they left behind an adorable little kid.

So join me in welcoming our new Honorary Cabin Boy, Jimmy Fitzsimmons!

Climb Aboard the SS Ted McGinley

with IRTE in...  

ADRIFT

Saturdays, April 4, 11 & 18, 8:00 pm

at The Producer's Club

358 W 44th St, NYC

between 8th & 9th Ave.

Tickets: $12.00

THE CAPTAIN’S CORNER - Welcome Aboard!

THE CAPTAIN’S CORNER
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Ahoy, Mateys!

That’s sailor talk for “Hello, friends!”

Capt. Adam LaRonde of the
SS Ted McGinley

My name is Capt. LaRonde and let me be the first to welcome you aboard the SS Ted McGinley cruise ship.

For those first time cruisers, you are in for the experience of a lifetime. I hope you packed your sunscreen and left your worries behind.

The first question I get from folks who have never been on a cruise before is always when do we eat?

Well, I’m proud to announce that our award-winning buffet service is now open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  As my dear old Dad used to say:  if you don’t get enough to eat, it’s your own damn fault.

Also you might want to take a second to pinch yourself (ouch!)

Why did you just pinch yourself? Because we are extremely lucky to have on this voyage the one and only Shecky Herring. The legendary prop comedian will be performing nightly at our famous Peppermint Lounge.  Also we have a variety of musical acts for your enjoyment, including my personal favorite Mary Knapp and her magical accordion stylings.

And if all that food, comedy and music still isn’t enough, our Cruise Director Judy McGill has planned a smorgasbord of fun and exciting activities for you to enjoy.

And now for all those grizzled cruise veterans among us, I say:  Quit bugging me and let me steer the ship!

All joking aside, please do not try to enter the main steerage deck.  Especially in these post-9/11 times I fail to find the humor in it.

Now, for both the “newbies” and the “vets”, may I make this humble request?

If you find yourself with time to spare, feel free to lend us a hand. Help scrub the deck, cut up some taters in the kitchen or just shovel coal in the engine room (just kidding – our engines run on nuclear fuel).

Our newly-installed engines are perfectly functional, bought at bargain prices from the former Soviet Republic of Azberbaijan. Say what you want about the evils of the Soviet communist system but man oh man when that sucker collapsed there were bargains to be found everywhere!!!

It’s traditional to launch a sea voyage with a toast. And here is one of my favorites:

May you always be upgraded to a deluxe cabin, may the buffet line always be short, and may your plumbing never need fixin!

Huzzah, Bon Voyage and L'Chayim!

-Capt. Adam LaRonde

SS Ted McGinley

 

Climb Aboard the SS Ted McGinley

with IRTE in...  

ADRIFT

Saturdays, April 4, 11 & 18, 8:00 pm

at The Producer's Club

358 W 44th St, NYC

between 8th & 9th Ave.

Tickets: $12.00